Why is it that some people have the ability to persuade others almost effortlessly without being coercive or manipulative?

I have researched and studied what  persuasive people do and identified 15 key things which I have grouped into the following four categories:

1. Inner game: The inner beliefs and attitudes you need to develop to become more persuasive

2. Short term game: The things you want to say and do during the discussion to maximise your chances of persuasion

3. Long term game: The things you want to do over a long period of time to affect change and persuade others to take action

4. Dirty game: The methods that some people use to persuade others. I seriously don’t recommend using these methods as they may be unethical and could hurt you over the long run. However, I think it is important to mention them and then you will be able to recognise them if others are using them.

CATEGORY A:  INNER GAME

The inner beliefs and attitudes you need to develop to become more persuasive. This is the most important element of persuasion.

1. Persuade yourself first

This is the most important step. If you are not convinced yourself with what you are trying to persuade others with, then you can’t persuade them. And if you did manage to convince them, it won’t be persuasion, it would  be manipulation.

2. Research and build your arguments

Even when you are persuaded with something yourself, you won’t be able to persuade others if you can’t articulate your ideas clearly. It is important then to research your arguments: find as many supporting facts and statistics as possible, build logical statements, think of possible objections and find a way to refute them.

3. Have people’s best interest at heart

When you genuinely care about the interests of others, your chances of persuading them become much higher. People can tell that you care about them and won’t resist your ideas and suggestions. Again, trying to convince people against their best interest is not persuasion, it is manipulation.

4. Remember, it is not about winning the argument

This point is closely related to the previous one. If your goal of persuading others is to win the argument then you care about your ego more than you care about other people’s interests. People will feel that you care more about yourself than you care about them and they will resist your ideas.

5. Be prepared to be persuaded

Persuasion is not about changing other people’s mind. It is about reaching the conclusion with the best outcome for all parties. Sometimes your idea is in fact the best outcome for everyone, sometimes it is not. If you go into a discussion with the attitude that you won’t accept other’s ideas before you even know anything about them, then you will invoke unnecessary resistance in others and fail to persuade them even when your idea is in fact the best one.

6. Accept  that you can not persuade everyone

Even when you totally believe in something, have researched it thoroughly and kept the other party’s best interest at heart, you may fail to persuade them. Not accepting that you can’t persuade everyone will make you come across as pushy and forceful. Persuasion can never be achieved through force. This is called coercion not persuasion. When you accept that you can not persuade everyone, you are more likely to remain calm and collected and the people you end up persuading are the ones who truly believe in your ideas.

15 WAYS TO BECOME MORE PERSUASIVE

Why is it that some people have the ability to persuade others almost effortlessly without being coercive or manipulative? I have researched and studied what  persuasive people do and identified 15 key things which I have grouped into the following four categories:

1. Inner game: The inner beliefs and attitudes you need to develop to become more persuasive

2. Short term game: The things you want to say and do during the discussion to maximise your chances of persuasion

3. Long term game: The things you want to do over a long period of time to affect change and persuade others to take action

4. Dirty game: The methods that some people use to persuade others. I seriously don’t recommend using these methods as they may be unethical and could hurt you over the long run. However, I think it is important to mention them and then you will be able to recognise them if others are using them.

CATEGORY A:  INNER GAME

The inner beliefs and attitudes you need to develop to become more persuasive. This is the most important element of persuasion.

1. Persuade yourself first

This is the most important step. If you are not convinced yourself with what you are trying to persuade others with, then you can’t persuade them. And if you did manage to convince them, it won’t be persuasion, it would  be manipulation.

2. Research and build your arguments

Even when you are persuaded with something yourself, you won’t be able to persuade others if you can’t articulate your ideas clearly. It is important then to research your arguments: find as many supporting facts and statistics as possible, build logical statements, think of possible objections and find a way to refute them.

3. Have people’s best interest at heart

When you genuinely care about the interests of others, your chances of persuading them become much higher. People can tell that you care about them and won’t resist your ideas and suggestions. Again, trying to convince people against their best interest is not persuasion, it is manipulation.

4. Remember, it is not about winning the argument

This point is closely related to the previous one. If your goal of persuading others is to win the argument then you care about your ego more than you care about other people’s interests. People will feel that you care more about yourself than you care about them and they will resist your ideas.

5. Be prepared to be persuaded

Persuasion is not about changing other people’s mind. It is about reaching the conclusion with the best outcome for all parties. Sometimes your idea is in fact the best outcome for everyone, sometimes it is not. If you go into a discussion with the attitude that you won’t accept other’s ideas before you even know anything about them, then you will invoke unnecessary resistance in others and fail to persuade them even when your idea is in fact the best one.

6. Accept  that you can not persuade everyone

Even when you totally believe in something, have researched it thoroughly and kept the other party’s best interest at heart, you may fail to persuade them. Not accepting that you can’t persuade everyone will make you come across as pushy and forceful. Persuasion can never be achieved through force. This is called coercion not persuasion. When you accept that you can not persuade everyone, you are more likely to remain calm and collected and the people you end up persuading are the ones who truly believe in your ideas.

CATEGORY B: SHORT TERM GAME

The things you want to say and do during the discussion to maximise your chances of persuading.

7. Agree before you disagree

A lot of times people resist our ideas not because they think they are bad, but because they feel that we don’t understand their point of view. The best way to overcome this is to build common ground. Find things that you both agree on before you disagree. When you disagree, either accept their point of view if you genuinely think it is good (see point 5 above) or show them that you understand their point of view and it may be applicable in different circumstances.

8. Listen

Persuasion is more about others than it is about you. Therefore it is very important to allow them to do much of the talking. After all they are the ones who have doubts and concerns. If you don’t listen to them then no argument will persuade them regardless of how well crafted it is. Listen to their words and body language: Are they agreeing with you? Are they engaged? Are they switching off? Are they hesitant and unsure? Listen to them and answer their concerns instead of trying to answer concerns you assume they have.

9. Connect

Another major obstacle in the face of persuasion is that people in general don’t like the idea that they are succumbing to someone else’s will. Even if you have the best arguments and the best intentions, people may resist your suggestions out of fear that they are being manipulated. It is therefore very important to connect with them and to show them that you are in this together and not against each other. To achieve this you have to start with having people’s best interest at heart  (see point 2 above), smile, listen and be very open and transparent.

CATEGORY C:  LONG TERM GAME

The things you want to do over a long period of time to affect change and persuade others to take action.

10. Persist

Very few people will agree with your message from the outset. But if you believe in something and stand up for it, sooner or later more and more people will start seeing your point of view. History is filled with examples of the power of persistence: thought leaders, revolutionaries, artists, politicians, etc. Many started with little to no following, but they persisted and eventually persuaded many to follow their ideas and believe in them.

11. Pick your battles

If you try to win every argument you may build yourself a reputation as an argumentative person. This will increase other people’s resistance to you and you may eventually fail in persuading them with what truly matters. It is therefore recommended that you let go of the arguments that are not that important. This will give you the reputation of being flexible. When you hold your ground on an important matter, people will be more willing to listen and probably be persuaded with your point of view.

12. Maintain integrity

No amount of persistence will help if you do not demonstrate integrity. You can not persuade others to do something that you are not doing yourself! We are all probably familiar with the  saying: Make sure you practice what you preach!

CATEGORY D: DIRTY GAME

These are the other methods that some people use to persuade. I seriously don’t recommend using these methods as they may be unethical and could hurt you in the long run. However, I think it is important to mention them and then you will be able to recognise them if others are using them.

13. Use anger

This is more of a coercion technique but sometimes it can work with persuasion too. Some people may not take your argument seriously unless you show some force behind it. They may mistaken your pleasant nature as a weakness and may resist agreeing with you till you get a little worked up about it. It is very important to note that this needs to be your last resort and to not lose your temper when you are implementing it. Losing your temper will achieve nothing and only highlight your own weakness.

14. Appeal to people’s vanity and self esteem

This is more of a manipulation technique but can work with persuasion too. Some people resist you not because they don’t agree with you but because their egos won’t allow them to agree with someone else. What is the way around this? Use their egos to persuade them. Make them feel like it was their idea and not yours. To do so ask them questions that contain the answers in them. For example: Do you think we should take option A instead of option B because option A is faster and more cost effective?

15. Ridicule the opposing arguments

This is another manipulation technique which takes advantage of laziness in others. Some people disagree with you for the sake of disagreeing. They take the other side without much thinking or research. They are just lazy and don’t want to apply themselves. To overcome this be vocal about how ridiculous the opposing arguments are and how those who believe in them must not know what they are talking about. When people feel that they might be seen as unknowing they will be more willing to research the arguments and hopefully in the end agree with you instead of disagreeing with you out of laziness.